was in the grays of miscommunication of wants and needs and frustration and we both were afraid in doubt because we were hurting each other in the space we allowed to fester between us.
I have already decided to live in Love with Ben the rest of my life, every day. I know I am far too crazy and sometimes irrational to have everything always run smoothly and that no matter how good we are at communicating, fights and disagreements are bound to happen, and hopefully having this decision made of Love makes for many smooth recoveries that only make us stronger. Plus, make-up sex ;-)! (I understand fully now the reconciliation of two halves to one whole and what being a lover really is).
I am not very good in the moments of confrontation... with anyone. Too much emotion boils over and I am unable to filter my thoughts and feelings. Mad and frustrated comes out exactly like that. I would much rather take the time to process my emotions and then be able to hopefully discuss them rationally? Being hurt is hard because I know I could choose to just not be hurt and move on because I love this man so undoubtedly. Even when I was hurt by him I couldn't bare anything less than being in his arms as I dealt with it... and stayed mad and hurt until I truly got over it and could only filter Love through Love. Ben gets exasperated quickly with confrontation as well, and we both just start saying things that don't really make sense and cut like a knife, even with the slightest tones...
But we are doing simply wonderful, minus a little roommate drama... The snake, the cat and the chickens can get along fine, but people have egos and lie to themselves about the roots of their problems, putting the blame on everyone around them but themselves. I know what I put out into the Universe, as far as goodness goes, I've got it it and I give it and I get it back again. Good creates more good and on the other hand negativity only brings more negativity... and our roommate getting kicked out because him and the wife of my other roommate had some sort of weird emotional entanglement thing going on had nothing to do with me, nor is it my "fault". Yes it sucks that for him that Ben got a girlfriend who moved in with him and cramped said roommate's style (with a cosmic Love that is always set to "Cute Overload'), and yes, I can not wait to take over his space in the basement we share after he leaves, but there was no "manipulation" on my part to actually make this happen. What is the saying, don't shit where you lay? Anyway, he will be gone soon and will be a blip in me and Ben's beginning (I was his friend first and would not have even met Ben had it not been for Brendan-I fell for Ben the first night we met at the house we now live in making cookies). Just being childishly blamed for something I had no real part in hurt unnecessarily. This hasn't been the first time our roommate has just thrown cruelty around in my direction... I asked Ben to kind of defend my honor and also have a talk with him since we do live in such close quarters and we still have an awkward half month left to go with him. I will be so glad when he is gone!!!
This weekend we are going to Ben's cousins wedding. I will get to meet most of his family! I am pretty excited. Family is important to me, however often mine may be hard to deal with, I am looking forward to hopefully making a good impression on his, however crazy his may be :) And we get to dress up and look snazzy and drink and dance :)
Here's to the good times regardless of the bad situations!
