was in the grays of miscommunication of wants and needs and frustration and we both were afraid in doubt because we were hurting each other in the space we allowed to fester between us.
I have already decided to live in Love with Ben the rest of my life, every day. I know I am far too crazy and sometimes irrational to have everything always run smoothly and that no matter how good we are at communicating, fights and disagreements are bound to happen, and hopefully having this decision made of Love makes for many smooth recoveries that only make us stronger. Plus, make-up sex ;-)! (I understand fully now the reconciliation of two halves to one whole and what being a lover really is).
I am not very good in the moments of confrontation... with anyone. Too much emotion boils over and I am unable to filter my thoughts and feelings. Mad and frustrated comes out exactly like that. I would much rather take the time to process my emotions and then be able to hopefully discuss them rationally? Being hurt is hard because I know I could choose to just not be hurt and move on because I love this man so undoubtedly. Even when I was hurt by him I couldn't bare anything less than being in his arms as I dealt with it... and stayed mad and hurt until I truly got over it and could only filter Love through Love. Ben gets exasperated quickly with confrontation as well, and we both just start saying things that don't really make sense and cut like a knife, even with the slightest tones...
But we are doing simply wonderful, minus a little roommate drama... The snake, the cat and the chickens can get along fine, but people have egos and lie to themselves about the roots of their problems, putting the blame on everyone around them but themselves. I know what I put out into the Universe, as far as goodness goes, I've got it it and I give it and I get it back again. Good creates more good and on the other hand negativity only brings more negativity... and our roommate getting kicked out because him and the wife of my other roommate had some sort of weird emotional entanglement thing going on had nothing to do with me, nor is it my "fault". Yes it sucks that for him that Ben got a girlfriend who moved in with him and cramped said roommate's style (with a cosmic Love that is always set to "Cute Overload'), and yes, I can not wait to take over his space in the basement we share after he leaves, but there was no "manipulation" on my part to actually make this happen. What is the saying, don't shit where you lay? Anyway, he will be gone soon and will be a blip in me and Ben's beginning (I was his friend first and would not have even met Ben had it not been for Brendan-I fell for Ben the first night we met at the house we now live in making cookies). Just being childishly blamed for something I had no real part in hurt unnecessarily. This hasn't been the first time our roommate has just thrown cruelty around in my direction... I asked Ben to kind of defend my honor and also have a talk with him since we do live in such close quarters and we still have an awkward half month left to go with him. I will be so glad when he is gone!!!
This weekend we are going to Ben's cousins wedding. I will get to meet most of his family! I am pretty excited. Family is important to me, however often mine may be hard to deal with, I am looking forward to hopefully making a good impression on his, however crazy his may be :) And we get to dress up and look snazzy and drink and dance :)
Here's to the good times regardless of the bad situations!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
a.trip.to.the.cosmos.
The energy in the woods was palpable. (tripping with Ben was incredible). to let our souls cry out and merge and bend and blend with the universe with love was beautiful... I've never seen the sky and the stars react to my energy... Or felt the earth embrace me as part of it... My belief in a collective consciousness only grew... The earth is an organism all its own and we came from it!! It is our ultimate provider! Let it be raised for people and creatures to love it and make it thrive. How cool would it be to be the patron saints or ambassadors of a loving, peaceful planet? Just Imagine :) Our potential to take care of it better grows as the power within us does. We can create galaxies and shooting stars of our own. You are constantly continuing to create your reality. Don't be afraid to love everything you see and feel in each moment because you are alive!
The hillllssssss are aliiivvvvvvveeee with the sound of musiiiiiicccc, with songs they have sunggggg for a thousand yearrrrrssssss.
And no, I am not still frying my balls off. Simply alone, for the first time in ages with peaceful time to reflect. Oh to wake up in bed and have the day! I haven't even started writing at all as much as I want to (need to)...or creating in general. It's too much fun with all this practicing of creation going on ;) I just need the time to freaking miss Ben too!!!
Its uncomprehendable to me that I have spent almost every waking moment with Ben since we met. How do 2 lives merge so instantaneously? We are merely on 3 months and we literally have had only one night apart since we started and I can literally tell you all of the times we've been apart more than 3 hours... It's like growing an extra appendage, but an extremely hot one you want to have inside you all the time. (dirrrrty) My tolerance for people in general is not usually this constant (nor has it been lately). I am a cave dweller and need to have that space to curl up in the dark sometimes. I am an extroverted introvert and to have the time to dive into myself without Ben around is not only necessary but blissful :) The understanding of this has been a rock and a hard place for me, because I love Ben so soo much and I love experiencing the world with him, even in the most minute and intimate of details. But not having enough of myself boils over at some point and I can honestly say Ben has seen me at my worst (so far) and we've worked through it and I'm pretty sure he still loves me :). There is this insecurity in me that is naive in love that I need to bite in the bud because it is a horrible anxiety i let take over me....I want all my filters to be from Love and not fear!
I defiantly was a bit mean to Ben this week. I was sick with Pine Fever and he took excellent care of me... But I got to this point where I was just so sick and miserable I didn't want to have to be around anyone... I was doing the master cleanse (liquid diet) and at one point Ben made me eggs in a basket (and the holes were heart shaped <3) and I yelled at him for making me breakfast... mean mean Nicole. Hopefully mean Nicole is gone because I am again felling wonderfully like myself again. Lots of love to share :)
OH and I should mention that Ben got a job (thank you Kenya I lovvvee you) and he started today!!! YAYYYY!!!!! Hence the peace and quiet... but funny how much even the littlest absence makes the heart grow fonder.
The hillllssssss are aliiivvvvvvveeee with the sound of musiiiiiicccc, with songs they have sunggggg for a thousand yearrrrrssssss.
And no, I am not still frying my balls off. Simply alone, for the first time in ages with peaceful time to reflect. Oh to wake up in bed and have the day! I haven't even started writing at all as much as I want to (need to)...or creating in general. It's too much fun with all this practicing of creation going on ;) I just need the time to freaking miss Ben too!!!
Its uncomprehendable to me that I have spent almost every waking moment with Ben since we met. How do 2 lives merge so instantaneously? We are merely on 3 months and we literally have had only one night apart since we started and I can literally tell you all of the times we've been apart more than 3 hours... It's like growing an extra appendage, but an extremely hot one you want to have inside you all the time. (dirrrrty) My tolerance for people in general is not usually this constant (nor has it been lately). I am a cave dweller and need to have that space to curl up in the dark sometimes. I am an extroverted introvert and to have the time to dive into myself without Ben around is not only necessary but blissful :) The understanding of this has been a rock and a hard place for me, because I love Ben so soo much and I love experiencing the world with him, even in the most minute and intimate of details. But not having enough of myself boils over at some point and I can honestly say Ben has seen me at my worst (so far) and we've worked through it and I'm pretty sure he still loves me :). There is this insecurity in me that is naive in love that I need to bite in the bud because it is a horrible anxiety i let take over me....I want all my filters to be from Love and not fear!
I defiantly was a bit mean to Ben this week. I was sick with Pine Fever and he took excellent care of me... But I got to this point where I was just so sick and miserable I didn't want to have to be around anyone... I was doing the master cleanse (liquid diet) and at one point Ben made me eggs in a basket (and the holes were heart shaped <3) and I yelled at him for making me breakfast... mean mean Nicole. Hopefully mean Nicole is gone because I am again felling wonderfully like myself again. Lots of love to share :)
OH and I should mention that Ben got a job (thank you Kenya I lovvvee you) and he started today!!! YAYYYY!!!!! Hence the peace and quiet... but funny how much even the littlest absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Soulmate
When becomes Where!
as What begins to reside in me!
as an expanse into great feeling!
these new realms to reside in!
as What seeks Love,
in love of our circumstance,
our Life seeking to live in Love
to thank the universe for this Life without words!
Let two points come together!
where love sparks Love!
and carries us to a Path,
from the relationships created between
two lost souls,
finding the rest of themselves
through and from,
the gravity of this Bond
___________________________________________________
****************************************************************
The words of our story hold no understanding of treasures riddled in the sense of this love, there is no adventure I could exaggerate about us, that could be a true example of my love for Nicole and the deep communion that brings me close to the sense and understanding of Love. This is okay with me anyways, since I prefer to write in aphorisms. I like the freedom to use words any way I want, I find its important in order to relate a system of words that can portray the truth of this understanding without limitations. In order to coerce any mind, to the true sense the feeling that such a bond does harbor. Truly, I hope that my words inspire you to find your soulmate. Do not hesitate when you meet, for you will find your better half within each other.
I would like to close this entry with two fairly important personal aphorisms, understandings that I live my life by and words that I believe to carry truth and harbor positive relationship to all. The first is about seeking yourself in every moment, by being yourself as best known to yourself. And, how it's more about having already taken the time to know yourself and to be ready to be yourself, in order to carry yourself to more of what you truly seek as an entity, a motion in this universe. The second, is about the importance of realizing how damaging, holding onto and carrying negative energy can be to your mind. And, it's also something of a mantra I once often used as a way to create a more honest relationship with the world around me.
I love you Nicole! My soulmate! My muse! You spur my chariot!
___________________________________________________
****************************************************************
how do you become what you are
when the world seeks what is not from you
to be what you are, as known by yourself,
in search of a closer connection_
is to prepare to be what you are,
before the next moment is cast_
and thus by being oneself,
in understanding what is known to yourself_
the relationships you create in each moment birth,
more of what is sought by you,
by the sense of what you ordain true _
___________________________________________________
****************************************************************
shadows of past
will trap you back
holding you from now
emersing you in could-be's
would-be's of uncertainty
Do not hold grudge
Do not hold spite
Do not hold assumption
Do not blind yourself with your own mal-content,
your mis-consumption of the world at hand,
will drown you in the sorrow of your ego
as What begins to reside in me!
as an expanse into great feeling!
these new realms to reside in!
as What seeks Love,
in love of our circumstance,
our Life seeking to live in Love
to thank the universe for this Life without words!
Let two points come together!
where love sparks Love!
and carries us to a Path,
from the relationships created between
two lost souls,
finding the rest of themselves
through and from,
the gravity of this Bond
___________________________________________________
****************************************************************
The words of our story hold no understanding of treasures riddled in the sense of this love, there is no adventure I could exaggerate about us, that could be a true example of my love for Nicole and the deep communion that brings me close to the sense and understanding of Love. This is okay with me anyways, since I prefer to write in aphorisms. I like the freedom to use words any way I want, I find its important in order to relate a system of words that can portray the truth of this understanding without limitations. In order to coerce any mind, to the true sense the feeling that such a bond does harbor. Truly, I hope that my words inspire you to find your soulmate. Do not hesitate when you meet, for you will find your better half within each other.
I would like to close this entry with two fairly important personal aphorisms, understandings that I live my life by and words that I believe to carry truth and harbor positive relationship to all. The first is about seeking yourself in every moment, by being yourself as best known to yourself. And, how it's more about having already taken the time to know yourself and to be ready to be yourself, in order to carry yourself to more of what you truly seek as an entity, a motion in this universe. The second, is about the importance of realizing how damaging, holding onto and carrying negative energy can be to your mind. And, it's also something of a mantra I once often used as a way to create a more honest relationship with the world around me.
I love you Nicole! My soulmate! My muse! You spur my chariot!
___________________________________________________
****************************************************************
how do you become what you are
when the world seeks what is not from you
to be what you are, as known by yourself,
in search of a closer connection_
is to prepare to be what you are,
before the next moment is cast_
and thus by being oneself,
in understanding what is known to yourself_
the relationships you create in each moment birth,
more of what is sought by you,
by the sense of what you ordain true _
___________________________________________________
****************************************************************
shadows of past
will trap you back
holding you from now
emersing you in could-be's
would-be's of uncertainty
Do not hold grudge
Do not hold spite
Do not hold assumption
Do not blind yourself with your own mal-content,
your mis-consumption of the world at hand,
will drown you in the sorrow of your ego
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Love.Digitalized.
So me and Ben have been talking about starting a blog for a while... and by a while I mean the entire 2 months we've been dating. And yes, while the rational part of my brain realizes it may be too soon to start blogging (I do hope to be blogging and not bragging) to the world about this existence in love, I do think it could do the world at large some good to see some kids in some young muskrat love because this truly is "the good stuff" if you will. We are in love <3 and nothing else really matters but subsequently everything does ;) and it is hard sometimes! But so simple... It's mostly the everything else that makes it hard because the loving is easy. Its the trying-to-filter-everything-through-love that is the learning curve... So much amazingness has already happened that I have been wanting to write about. The whole experience of meeting, falling in love almost instantly and immediately merging our lives so thoroughly has been simply sensational! We have literally been together almost non stop since we met. It was like, here you go! Soulmate! Bingo! Jackpot! The ride is starting... now go!!! !!!! !!!!!!!!!!
For me, Nicole, it has been hard to write about my life lately... It's been hard to be inspired. I have been doing a lot of living the last couple of years and created some pretty magical memories, which I hope I have the long term memory to actually remember :) Writing has always helped me capture that. And help me figure out myself. And lets not forget self expression. Words in written form have always been so beautiful to me... so why not fall in love and write about it? Try not to puke in our cuteness and try to help us grow in Love! Always and Forever :) I love you Ben Jones!
For me, Nicole, it has been hard to write about my life lately... It's been hard to be inspired. I have been doing a lot of living the last couple of years and created some pretty magical memories, which I hope I have the long term memory to actually remember :) Writing has always helped me capture that. And help me figure out myself. And lets not forget self expression. Words in written form have always been so beautiful to me... so why not fall in love and write about it? Try not to puke in our cuteness and try to help us grow in Love! Always and Forever :) I love you Ben Jones!
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